Rise Up Babylon

The morning after finishing spring quarter final exams, Kimi, Hali’a and I were sleeping in after a late night of celebration. 

 A shrill tone sounded in the quiet of our dorm. I was clouded by dreams and couldn’t find the source of the blaring noise. But it could not be ignored, stopping momentarily but then repeatedly blasting the ring tone I’d assigned my sister Susan. In a haze, I finally found my phone in the pocket of my jeans I’d worn the night before.

 Before I even finished stuttering “h-hello,” Susan blurted out the most horrifying, searing words I’ve ever heard, “Annie is dead.”

 A dagger violently carved out my insides. My breath shortened, and I could feel my heart pounding. But I couldn’t accept those cruel words and reacted with nonsensical shock. “What? How do you know?”

 “They just found her, Maeley.” And then I began screaming and weeping.

 Susan explained there’d been a massive mudslide from heavy rains in Montecito. The storm had suspended just before daybreak, so Annie had taken her early morning run by the river. But then the rains started again and with no trees or plants on the bare hillsides, the storm brought the mountain down. Annie was taken by boulders and mud.

 My sorrow was like an explosion of shrapnel in every cell of my body. I was rocking back and forth, inconsolable, but then I felt four hands gently steady me -- Kimi and Hali’a held me as I cried and shook. 

My dear roommates spent our last day of freshman year helping me pack.  Susan drove to Los Angeles to pick me up and take me home. There were several cars lining our driveway and I opened our front door to a hushed, but chaotic scene. The first eyes to meet mine were my father’s and I found myself collapsing into his arms, sobbing. All the turmoil between us was temporarily forgotten in our moment of absolute despair. 

The following few days were a blur of events one never imagines – visits to the mortuary, selecting a casket and burial plot, writing an obituary, and planning a funeral – all marked by my mother’s quiet sobbing. At the memorial service I was so raw, it felt as if an entire layer of skin had been ripped from my body. At the cemetery we stood there together -- my parents, Susan, David and me –- encircled around Annie’s grave, enshrouded in nothing but grief.

Since You’ve Gone

How can I go on

Every part of me is broken

In this harsh night without a dawn

Since you’ve gone

Are you flying up with the stars

Or are you buried deep in my heart

The world has stopped turning for me

And it won’t start

With you gone

The hope I held out is now withdrawn

I’m a wounded bird who has lost her song

This time I’ve lived without you has already been too long

Since you’ve gone

I believe I’ll find my strength

Though grief has taken my faith

Beauty replaced with desolation

Only devastation since you’ve gone